Add to Twitter

Marie Writes:

I have been raising my five year old daughter alone.  Her father wanted to to have an abortion and decided to break up with me when I said "no".  He wasn't there when she was born, or when she took her first steps or said her first words.  In fact he hasn't been there at all.  

I took him to court this year for child support.  As a result of seeking child support he filed for visitation.  I told the judge that he has never asked to visit her and that the only reason he wanted visitation now was because I was asking for child support.  The judge didn't really care what I said and ordered visitation.  I now have to let my daughter spend time with someone she doesn't know!

Everytime he comes to get my daughter she cries and begs me not to let her go.  It is making me crazy that he is doing this to us now.  What can I do to stop this visitation?

MR. GOOD ADVICE RESPONDS:

You shouldn't do anything to stop this visitation.  It is totally in your child's best interest to have two parents who love her and take care of her.  Ok, so you are angry that this guy wasn't there for the first five years.  I can understand that anger because it is legitimate.  However, you have to get beyond that anger and realize that your daughter needs her daddy as much as she needs you.

Yes, your daughter is crying and acting out when her father comes to see her.  I hope you are not encouraging any of this behavior by talking badly about him in front of her or doing anything to sabotage the growth of their relationship.  You are not helping her if you are doing those types of things.  In the end, your daughter will resent you for it, so if you are trying to poison their relationship, STOP IT NOW!

If however, that is not the case and your daughter is simply afraid of this person she doesn't yet know, try and help through this process.  Maybe you can talk to her father about ways of making her more comfortable with him.  You daughter is a child.  She doesn't know what is best for her.  She can't make the decision here.  Kids don't like getting shots or going to the dentist, but a good parent takes them anyway!

It sounds like you are very bitter and angry.  Maybe you need to forget about the past and move on.  This guy can't do anything about the past.  He can however work towards being a good father now.  You should be thankful that he is willing to do that and accept his help.  Raising a child alone is not easy and even with two parents it can be hard. Take that time when your child is in his care to spend on yourself.  Take a nice long bath, or go see a movie with a friend, but do something to enjoy the time you have for you!

Just think about it!  In a few months, you won't need a judge to tell you how to raise your child and perhaps she can even spend weekends with her father.  When is the last time you had a weekend to yourself?  I'm sure you could use that time in many different ways.  

Forgive and forget...the time has come.

pndmiart5k