Jack Writes:

I am having a situation here. I am twenty two years old, and I live at my house with my father. My mother left about a year ago. The truth is, my father and I argue a lot...really more than normal. However, there are some days where everything is okay. The arguments are sometimes dumb. For example, I get a bill in the mail, and the bill is something for me...and nobody else. He sees it and is trying to tell me what I need to do and who to call and how much to pay. I gave him a simple "I can handle it, thanks.", and he flies off the handle. He keeps telling me this is his house, and I just live here. Now, I know according to the deed to the house it is "his" house, but even though I have grown up here...I just live here...that is all. I guess what I am trying to get it is I think the best thing for me to do is move on. The only problem with that is the fact that I am afraid to leave him alone. I told him once if he acts the way he does to everyone, he will die alone, and its the truth. He likes to threaten people with "I'm gonna kill myself" if things don't go his way. I feel like if I leave he will start doing that...and actually go through with it, but I really cant let this hold me back. How do I go about leaving, without his self-pity bothering me?

MR. GOODADVICE RESPONDS:

The role of a parent is to nurture their child and help make him or her into a productive human being. Once the child is grown the parent's job is done and the child is suppose to go on it's merry way. Unfortunately, many times the roles are reversed and the child takes over the responsibility of "raising" the adult. This usually happens in situations like yours, where the parent is alone and has no life of their own. This is really not a good situation and you must remove yourself from it.

It is not your job to help your father get a life. He has to do this for himself. You have to focus on getting your life together and stop stressing about how badly he has screwed up his own. Start by becoming independent. Get a job! Get a place! Get out!

You have taken the easy route and now are beginning to pay the price for it. Sure, it was easier for you to stay under your father's roof and live off of him, but look at the price you are now paying. You are dependent on him at the age of twenty-two and trapped by guilt and fear of going at it alone. The time has come for you to step up and step out on your own. Forget about your father's veiled threats to do himself in. He is not likely to do that and just manipulating you into staying with him.

Your father is a very unhappy man and that is not your fault. His unhappiness is his burden and not your own. If you don't leave you will inherit his unhappiness and live a miserable life.

Decide to be happy. Move forward with your own life and stop worrying about his life. As long as you linger in this situation neither one of you will make the changes necessary to be happy!

You can still love your dad without being his caretaker. You owe him the gratitude a child should have for his or her parent. Give him love, respect and those things that you give family. What you have now is not a healthy parent-child relationship and unless you make the drastic changes needed your relationship will certainly crumble and cease to exist.