Hit Me Please!
Saturday, June 20, 2009 at 11:22AM Janet Writes:
My best friend is being abused by her boyfriend. I have seen her with bruises and scrapes too many times to count. Almost every other week I spend hours with her talking about the latest fight. Every conversation ends with her telling me that she is going to leave him but she never does.
They have no children and do not live together so there is nothing really keeping her in the relationship. I don't understand why she just won't leave him!
She is always making excuses for staying with him. A few days ago she actually told me that after he hits her she the sex is always really good. I told her she was crazy and that one day she was gonna get really hurt.
Is there anything I can do to get her to understand that she has to leave this guy?
MR. GOOD ADVICE RESPONDS:
You need to just stay out of this until your friend comes to her senses. Love is a strange thing and nothing you can say or do is going to do anything except potentially ruin your friendship with her. Couples fight all the time and more often then not they get back together. When people get in the middle of that they usually get blamed for interfering.
Your friend is involved in something that only she can stop. She has to get sick and tired of being abused before she will walk away from this guy. If she is enjoying this in a sexual way it may be a long time before she sees the light. Hopefully, she won't get killed or seriously injured in the meantime.
Once you have told her your concerns about this situation your job is done. You don't have to stick around and continue to listen to her complain about the things this guy does to her. Tell her that you are tired of watching her being abused and that if she doesn't want to leave this guy that is fine, but you don't want to know anymore about it. Let her know that you are always there for her if she needs help getting away from him, but until then you are done discussing it. After that you need to mind your business and stick to your guns.
I know it sounds cruel to tell a friend you don't want to hear about her problems, but once you have given your advice it's up to her to decide what she wants to do. If she chooses to continue to live in misery then that's her choice. You don't need to be exposed to her constant tales of abuse and pain. However, be prepared when the moment comes and she finally wants out. It's then when you can be her friend and help her do the necessary things to keep this guy away from her.
abuse, love, physical abuse, sex in Friends 
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Reader Comments (3)
ahh..I say keep trying to talk some sense into her...less she end of disappearing somday...friends sometimes have to be a pain in the ass and you later appreciate it..this girl needs help not a step back and let her figure it out approach as to often that ends up leading to a very prolonged negative experience ruining precious time in life or worse..she could end up dead.
Be patient with your friend and give her a few weeks. Recognizing abuse and responding to it are two different processes. Perhaps he has been verbally abusive to her, which would give her lower self-esteem and make her slower to leave him. I was in a psychologically abusive relationship and although I knew that his behavior was reprehensible, it took me a while to initiate the break-up, because he'd convinced me that no one else would ever love me. Fortunately, I finally realized that he was wrong and I left him.
About two seconds. I actually had a friend who complained all the time because her boyfriend was a jerk to her. Never physically hurt her, but emotionally. I finally said right to her face, "K, listen, I don't even care anymore. If you are pathetic enough to go out with someone who degrades you, then there's nothing I can do for you." It worked pretty well, too. She broke up with him, found out he was cheating, and then he ended up getting the worst haircut of his life. My friend and I spent the rest of the school year laughing every time we saw him after that. 0
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