So Now You Tell Me!
Thursday, June 18, 2009 at 9:25PM Brian Asks:
I have been living with this girl for seven years. The reason I moved in was because she got pregnant and I wanted to do the right thing. Over the years, I learned to love her and took care of my responsibilities as a father to my son.
Our relationship started to fall apart in the last two years and she asked me to move out. I am very close to my son and did not want to leave. After months of constant arguing she finally called the police and had me put out.
At first she was pretty good about allowing me to visit my son, but then she started to date a guy from her job. This created some tension between the two of us and she started to make visitation with my son almost impossible. I was forced to take her to court and that is when I learned that she had lied to me and that I was not really his father. It seems she had some guy on the side when we were dating. I guess I was the one she thought would be a better caretaker, so she lied to me.
I really don't care that I am not the biological father of my son. I love him like he is my own and I want to maintain a relationship with him. I am hurt, angry and frustrated that I am being forced out of his life after seven years. Is there anything I can do?
MR. GOOD ADVICE RESPONDS:
It's true what they say, "no good deed goes unpunished". You did the right thing by this woman and your "son" and in the end you get kicked to the curb without anything to show for it. To allow a person to create a loving fatherly bond with a child and then rip out their heart is not only cold and evil, its unforgivable. This woman needs a good swift kick in the butt!
Unfortunately, there are many evil people in this world that choose to put their own interests ahead of the best interests of their children. Clearly the right thing to do here is to allow you to maintain a relationship with your "son". You are not the only one suffering at this time, your "son" must be in pain as well. The fact that this woman is totally disregarding her child's needs borders on abuse and neglect. Keeping you away from him is tantamount to exposing this child to the death of his parent, and there simply is no reason to do this at all.
You probably don't have much of a legal leg to stand on with regard to getting any type of visitation. I think your only hope is to give your ex some space and hope that she will come to her senses. In this day and age there are not enough men taking care of their children and the fact that you are willing and able to be there for this child speaks volumes about you.
Unfortunately, this situation is not unique. There are many other good men that have been used and tossed aside in the same fashion. I guess you can be grateful that you weren't paying child support all these years, as others have done.
Send your "son" cards and letters and let him know you love him. I would also reach out to mutual friends to see if anyone can intervene on your behalf. Maybe, just maybe, somebody can talk some sense into your ex. Whatever you do, don't force the issue.
Legally this is not your "son" and if you push too hard there can be restraining orders and other ways of keeping you out of the picture. The idea is to let time heal whatever wounds were created during your relationship, that may be the only real chance you have at re-establishing a relationship with your "son".
betrayal, children, custody, deceit, visitation in Family and Children 
View Printer Friendly Version
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (3)
what!@!! what state do you live in? you can petition the court for mandatory visitation rights, and most likely will be granted those rights.
If a person provides regular care for an extended period of time, this is common.
A number of courts across the country have addressed the question of whether a nonbiological parent has the right to seek visitation after the family unit breaks up. The results are mixed. Appellate courts in some states, including New York, California and Florida, have held that a person who is neither a biological nor adoptive parent is a legal stranger to the child she raised and that her petition for visitation cannot even be considered by a family court.
Appellate courts in other states, including New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Massachusetts, have disagreed. Those courts have concluded that where an adult can show that she has assumed the role of a parent to a child - in other words, that she serves as a "psychological parent" -- she can be awarded visitation if the family court determines that to be in the best interest of the child.
If he had been married he would have had rights to and responsibilities for the son he raised for seven years. However, because he was not married (and I assume there was a paternity test that concluded that the son was not biologically his) then I am afraid he has woefully few, if any legal rights. I agree with the columnist that this is an awful situation