Breakthepanorama Writes:

Ok this is a bit complicated. I see this band sometimes, and I developed a crush on one of the guys in the band. Now there is a good 18 year age gap between he and I. He has always been friendly and we are in long term committed relationships with other people. Plus other than the occasional 'hi' we don't speak or communicate ever. 

A few months ago I noticed he works at a place I shop, and I only noticed cause he waved. Then a few weeks ago I was leaving the place he was playing and as I shut the door he gave me a lingering hug. I kind of told him about my little stalker crush on him, and then I mentioned that I knew he had a girlfriend, and he gave me another lingering hug and that was that. 

Then a few weeks after that I was stood up by a friend of mine so I walked over to the bar they were at and sat there and had a few drinks and he came down the stairs reeking of weed. I told him he smelled like pot and he smiled and told me he probably tasted like pot too and kissed me quickly and left. I sat there stunned. I had thought the weird random hugs were just him being a nice guy, but the kiss threw me. 

Last week I was shopping and he called my name, so I went over to him and we made polite conversation. He talked about a few things like being sober of on Sat (the kiss happened on fri) and as I was leaving I asked if he was sober on fri, he said no he was trashed. I gave a coy little ok and left. 

Fast forward to this past friday night, I came to his show with some friends, but they followed some other guys to a bar I am not fond of. I sat alone, but was then joined by two dudes who decided to sit next to me. I ran into the band guy and he said hi. I said hi, again very casually. Later in the evening one of the guys was a jerk so I left the table. After the end of the last set I went ahead paid my card and left. I hear my name screamed out a window of a car so I turn around, and it is the band guy. He offers to give me a ride to my car and since I am in heels I accept. 

We park next to my car and we make polite chit chat, and then he leans over and tells me he is sober and kisses me. Then the most intense makeout session occurs. I mean that desperate grabbing at clothing, underneath clothing, hair grabbing, even got a little sexual with the grabbing. I mean hot. He then tells me I should really go. I look for my purse and of course I can't find it, and when I do it starts back up again a little, but he reiterates that I had to go. So I get in my car and we both drive off. 

The next night my friend is going through girl issues and he asks me to come out with him, and by chance when I call him he is where? The same bar the same band. I focus on him and his issues and try to avoid the band guy. In fact, I started to realize maybe I was the one who came on too strong. So I wrote him a stupid email after I successfully avoided him, and told him if it was issue I would take my friend somewhere else the next time he played. He wrote back. It's fine....we're fine...see you sat... 

I don't want a relationship with him. I don't want to play the love card, but I am moving soon and if something is going to happen let it happen already! I am really all for a sex thing, but he is hot and cold all the time. I don't care if i am a secret, in fact I prefer it. 

Another perspective would be nice. What should I do?

MR. GOODADVICE RESPONDS:

Women do love musicians.  There is something very attractive about talent and you are not the only one experiencing your emotions.  Musicians also love to be adored, so it is no surprise that you got to kiss and hug with your musician friend.  My question to you is very simple, if you don't want a relationship why didn't you just get down and dirty when you first got the opportunity?  It seems you had a chance to engage in some sexual activity and you wasted it.  Sometimes lightning doesn't strike twice and you have to take advantage of the special moments that life presents.  It seems to me that this guy was willing to reward you for being a faithful follower and you didn't act like someone who is not interested in a relationship.  I think you like him more than you want to admit.

You need to know that musicians get into music to get women.  So if you are not ready to put out when the moment comes it is unlikely that you will get many more chances.  I know this sounds harsh but I like to keep things real.  This guy is not looking for a relationship, so if the sex doesn't come fast he is not going to stick around.  

You say you don't want to be a stalker, but you are sending him emails and bringing other dudes to his shows.  This is not a good way to get what you want.  Assuming you really just wanna have sex with a guy you are into, go back alone and if you get a second chance don't hesitate to get what you want.  Grab it, take it...and work it out!